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Posted by John Cleese on 05:21:14 11/02/05
>Message from John Cleese
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
>your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
>Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
>commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
>not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor
>for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
>Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to
>determine whether any of you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
>rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>
>Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be
>amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U'
>will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise,
>you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
>and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will
>learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to
>respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope
with
>correct pronunciation.
>
>Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
>levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
>interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
>unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
>account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
>3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
>but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
>4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
will
>be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will
>be called "Come-Uppance Day."
>
>5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers
>or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
>shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
>be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
>without suing someoneor speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up
>enough to handle a gun.
>
>Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
>dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish
>to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
>your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we
>mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will
>start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
>will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
>conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
>understand the British sense of humour.
>
>7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
>8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
>are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips
>are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal
>fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
>9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
>customers.
>
>10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually
>beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to
>as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
>referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
>"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
>further confusion.
>
>11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
>good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
>play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
>dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
>having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
>12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
>of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough
>will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to
>American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
>twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
>nancies).
>
>Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an
>event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
>of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
>beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
>14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
>monies due (backdated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your co-operation.
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